Heres Pro rider and fast guy Sam Blenkinsopp with a trick I like to call the "Monkey Whip" as Buddy Holly once said "If you aint got it, dont bother". Sam demonstrated his complete lack of style and elan again later when news filtered through that he intentionally put in a slow race run to make sure he didn't win the champs and therefore could continue to wear his sponsors rubbish jersey.






Photo stolen from a website

This guy is one selfish muthafucker. When he decided to stop halfway through the trails and do a spot of breakdancing it was kinda funny, but then we looked closer and noticed that his outfit is the straw that breaks the camels back. i mean, come on, this selfish custard tart has more colour in his outfit than is decent. Theres unfortunate souls in Nuneaton who have to make do with drab and dour outfits because this douch bag stole all the colour in the techno rainbow.

The Remarkables. Not much to do with riding but it looks nice

Even before the dust had settled on the course at Treble Cone riders had begun making their way to Coronet for round two. The course this time around couldn’t be anymore different than last week despite the hills upon which they are located looking like carbon copies of each other. Instead of fire-roads the course was a long downhill motocross style course. It was twisty, jumpy, bermed fun from top to bottom. It was fast and pedaling wasn’t required because all you had to do to gain speed after corners was to take the brakes off and you were flying.

Due to Coronet opening to the public week previous and many riders taking advantage of this to get the course dialed the course had seen a lot of use by the time the race weekend came around. This meant what was a buttery smooth course became riddled with a lot of breaking bumps, which actually made it a more technical course because line selection, being able to keep the flow, and physical strength became essential towards putting down a good run.

Also what looked like a relatively one line course before the weekend actually became quite open to line choices. The choice was often ‘do I stay on the outside and use the berm? The berm that is becoming very potholed. Or do I hang it out on the inside line where it is smoother but looser?’ Likewise there were a number of very clever and ingenius lines that were cropping up. One of which I’ll come back to later.

A bit of moisture on the track in the early mornings meant the dirt was beautiful tacky yet firm Hero Dirt. You know the conditions I’m talking about, it’s the kind of dirt that after a good days on the trails makes you feel like a god. You feel like you can turn better than a Scalectrix car, you feel faster than the Millennium falcon in hyperdrive, you can drift better than an inch of snow in Nuneaton, you rail corners with military precision, and your confidence levels are higher than a gambler on coke who thinks he has a sure thing. Well if you have ever had a day like that then the chances are that it’s because of conditions and not because you are actually a better biker than the day before. Sorry, but its true. How many times have you had those kind of killer days in a foot of mud for example?

As for the Who-What-Where, Adam finished dead last in the Senior category, Sam once again proved that no matter how well he goes in practice he can never put together a fast race run (40th in Senior), Brit Paul Stevens placed 14th in Senior, Ginger Si disappointingly crashed out in his race run despite riding fats all weekend, and even though I finished 21st I still managed to get a gasp from the crowd as I slipped both pedals across the line.

Junior rider Sketchy James Shirley managed to get himself a new nickname after finding and riding the most controversial line in NZ Nationals history. Knowing that the fastest way between two points is a straight one, Jimmy Straightline (as he now to be called) took a beeline through about a hundred yards of tussock which cut out about three corners and 200 yards of track. The little bastard would of got away with it had he saved this line for his race but was caught out in his seeding run and had his bottom spanked by officials.

The weather had been great all day, that is until the Pro riders had to come down which forced a lot of frantic action in the pits by the pros trying to change to wet weather spiked tires. The silent but deadly Scottish ripper Joe Barnes wasn’t phased by a little rain and was positively grinning at the prospect of riding in the wet. He came down in 16th place, on High Rollers!. Meanwhile other bigger name pros were made to look like absolute amateurs in the newly wet conditions. Standing at the bottom one could be mistaken for thinking a bunch of seal lions had been let loose on unicycles. However, the fastest pro man was Glenn Haden who looked as fast in the wet as he did in the dry. Seven seconds later second place went to Des Curry and in third was Mike Skinner.

apologies for the lack of photos and badly written report. no excuses.

Posted by SEB

This picture sums up exactly why the future of mountain biking needs to be looked at carefully. Seriously, do you want your beloved sport being taking over by Timothy from the country club bringing his spoilt little yachting heritage to the trails or by dumb little kids that are so influenced by what they see the Riffleator doing in Decline and by there chronic lack of social awareness. Not sure which one this little monkey is but I don’t like it.

Apologies for the lack of updates to the 25 people who check out the site regularly. nzdiaries.com is suffering a bit of a crisis of confidence and identity. Partly this is down to having no internet connection and partly because it seems futile to bother riding into town on our high horses to find an internet connection when we have a readership that is smaller than an ants testicle and we could be riding rather than shaking the digital salt shaker. So just in case there is anyone out there bothered, here is the news.

The first round of the NZ national series kicked off in our hometown at Treble Cone. The course was reminiscent of the days of old when biking down hills on old reclaimed cruisers was considered a new thing to do. If you think mountain biking should regress to the days of klunkerz and joe breeze then you would of loved it.


the course

Sam and myself had to hide our hate at the TC course because we are still trying to make friends here on the race circuit and NZ riders seem to be of a rather different opinion to us about what constitutes a challenging course. As a peaceful protest we both did slow race runs just to deprive the kiwis of our presence on the podium and the opportunity to thank no one whilst up there.


Not Adam

Despite looking like he was going to self-destruct at any moment on training day Adam thrived on the course come race day. He finished exactly half way up the results board.

Ginger Si was spotted riding a borrowed bike all weekend and eating lots of orange coloured foods. He posted a good time that gave him the fastest UK rider in senior. Expect more prop driven comedy from Carrot Top at Coronet.

The newest member of the nzdiaries.com/Hades Havarti Bicycle Gang household, Matt Weir, took a considerable tumble in his seeding run and broke his Talas bone into 16 pieces. This hammer blow could put him out of action for 18 months but we will see if that is the case now he is staying with us in our intense R&R facility. Get well soon buddy.


That bit in the middle should be one piece not lots of specks of dust

I have retired from any form of biking after my terrible result at TC. Unable to shake the two wheel buzz I have taken up extreme Segway riding. I also finally tried so hard to put my head up my arse that I actually managed to do a back flip. Whether or not this was on the Segway I’ll let you decide.


Segways arent just for fat yanks

The pro men was won by Sam Blenkinsop who would of shaved his legs before the race to be more aerodynamic but couldn’t do so because he still hasn’t reached puberty. Second place went to Fabien le Frenchman, the hitchhiking Commencal Rider who almost upset the Kiwis by “tacking ohm ze whin”. Glenn Haden got third despite riding a bike that looks like a race version of Josh Benders two shock bike. Fourth went to Nathan Rankin. The fifth place on the podium went to fast Brit Alex Scott. The manufacturers title goes to Foes whose bikes are ridden by approximately 96.2% of the riders. For full results go elsewhere.


The Pro podium

Round two at Coronet this weekend. Course is a fun one. It’s sort of like an alpine A-line. It’s going to be a close race. Tune in next month for our next update.

Coronet opened for their "season", how anyone can call 25 days a season is beyond me but, regardless. A full track review with pictures will be available in our post race report in just over a week.

Initial impressions are good, the course is like the bastard child of A-line and Fort william, sounds impossible? nearly. Its certainly an immensely entertaining course to ride, track conditions change constantly and serious braking bumps could be the order of the day, come race day.

Futher news, Adam has come down with the ImRT Super bug, side effects, include lazyness, Speaking in tongues and a compulsion to eat tuna.



Sam "I think its the headset not the headtube" G

Anyone who has spent any amount of time digging dirt knows that you don’t just call a spade a spade. Which is why we have began our long-term test on digging utensils.

Embracing our newly found suburban lifestyle we spent a happy Saturday morning exploring what the aisles of the local hardware superstore. Alongside Turtle Wax, Beer Can Chicken Cookers (Google it), sponges, tool-boxes, garden hoses, deckchairs, and other manly suburban necessities, we found ourselves in possession of two brand new spades.

Sam and myself spent a long time choosing our weapons, debating the pros and cons of flat heads over spoon blades, traditional wood shafts over modern materials like carbon, the best blade angle for digging. In the end we agreed to disagree, bought two very different spades and vowed to objectively rate each one for your reading pleasure.

Here we have them, firstly Sam’s choice – the Spear and Jackson Old Man Spade. It comes with a 15 year NeverBend guarantee, features a forged steel 8-inch flat-faced blade, Cedar shaft, and riveted polytechnic handle.



I think its fair to say you are all familiar with this type of spade, it’s the same kind everyone’s Grandfather uses to attend to his patch of Runner Beans and Begonias in his perfect little English Country Garden.

My choice – the Xcel Garden. It features an all steel construction, sturdy welding on the crucial blade/ shaft junction, the head is what I would describe as an Ace of Spades shape, it has bits on the stamping part of the blade to stop you destroying the soles of your Wellington boots, has little holes in the handle at the side that make swooshing sounds like Bruce Lees fists when you are giving terra firma some aggression, and most important of all its white!!



I hated the shitty name so I lovingly changed its name to the St. Georges Earth Broadsword. I’m going to paint a red cross on the blade in dragon’s blood so I can really look the part.

The garden spoons have gone through several missions already and both are looking like strong contenders in terms of functionality, but everyone knows that in this day in age form rules over function and content is styles bitch, so my choice is sure to be the outright winner because I can take mine to Redneck bars and D&D conventions alike and look cool.

More updates on the Battle of the Land Axes (as I’ve just decided to call it) when we have more to report. Until then the local trails shall quake in fear.

Posted by SEB

Click for larger image

Things aint looking too hot for round 1, that looks like alot of fireroad to me! Obviously our foes riding friend was onto something with his whole "you gotta be able to ride gravel, man" speech.

Im still looking forward to this one though, if anything it'll be a chance to take off my peak, buy some lycra and express my inner roadie.