News:
There is none.

Instead here is a photo. If you're really bored then please leave a caption in the comments below. Best one kills time.



ps. this is not photoshopped

vanessa quinn (aka VOQ or V-Quizzle or "whos that fit bird on the blue Intense?") broke her neck at recent NZ nationals. She did it in her seeding run when she hucked to flat and did a proper head banger on the bars.

The Collective has received one of action sports films highest honors by winning the “Best Director” Award from the X-Dance Action Sports Film Festival in Park City, Utah. Why it should recieve an award for gnarly dancing is beyond me. Maybe i havent found the secret bonus section where the Claw takes it to the dancefloor.

Whilst out riding around in the wilds of cyberspace in my G-wagon i came across a rumour that Nico Vouilloz will be returning to competitive downhill racing. Just to remind everyone Nico comes from a time where grown men like Steve Jones had the choice between the rough and rugged Shaun Palmer or the nice boy Nico Vouilloz for their wet dreams. It was like the choice between beating off to the Spice Girls or All Saints.

I sent him an email to find out for real.....
Nico Hi are you the real Jill Kintner? :-) the 4x star? Amazing season congratulations!
NZDiaries.com No sorry Nico its NZDiairies.com. I had a shit season, thanks for reminding me arsehole! Anyway whats le 411?
Nico Yes I will be present on 2 WC events, probably WC2 and 5! I will also compet in rally car in a new IRC serie (like european championnish) I really do that for fun and challenging myself! After 4/5 years, it should be really difficult to come into top 5! The top guys, specially Sam look very fast...
NZDiaries.com Do you mean Angry Sam Gothorp?
Nico Have a good season! Bye Nico"

Steve Peat bust his ankle doing street riding...[GROAN]...apparently he wasnt doing an Abubaca on a plant pot (have you seen Aaron Chases section in NWD7!! no? GOOD!), in fact he was doing some stair hucks with Brendon Fairclough. WTF? Surely thats not condonned in the Team Honda G-cross training manual?

posted by SEB

With 2 rounds down of the New Zealand national series down the NZ-Diaries team had little to show for it. We had lost a team member in the first round and hadn’t even managed to breakout into the top 20 since. Fingers were pointed, accusations made, “locals knew the tracks better”, “ there not even proper race courses”. But all the banter had to be put aside, round three was upon us and from what we had heard it was the first proper track on the series featuring rocky technical sections, tight wooded single track, and little bit wide open mayhem.

The riders:

Another bad finish would not be tolerated and our training efforts were doubled in the week prior to the race. Seb upped his cigarettes and coffee intake. He managed to hire a circus midget to role his cigarettes so he could spend more time inhaling and he had a espresso intravenous drip rigged up but later abandoned it after a face killing incident at work. Sam upped his hating from mildly distraught to raving. He spent his days prior to the race roaming the streets of Wanaka and slapping children reminding them why they weren’t good enough. And I upped my egg intact from 4 eggs a day to 2 cartons. My heart is slowly starting to stop but that doesn’t matter. A true champion must be able to not only win the race but grab his bike snap it over his head on the podium.

So you have heard about our hardcore training regiments but I haven’t even mentioned the emotional fires we had burning inside. Seb’s goal of podium was completely dropped after his humiliating defeat by me at Trebble cone (.09 sec.). He all of a sudden took a new angle on life. He was determined to beat me not only on the track but also off. Racing me to the kitchen for frying pan supremacy, fighting over who was a better driver, and even stealing my all egg and tuna diet thinking that that might be my (.09sec) edge. Sam was determined to pull together a good race run and finally prove to the world that he was not only the smartest but the fastest racer and that yes one can race with a monocle and top hat under his helmet and still be 95.4% race affective


Hardcore race prep

Myself, I had yet to experience how I had first visualized mountain bike racing; crossing the finish line only to be showered by roses and big busted women screaming my name and praising me on how great I am, at which point I would break out into a academy award winning song and dance number that would only further my greatness.

The mood was set, we all new what we wanted and had the tools to get them. All we needed now was the stage...

The Track:

The track was located on signal hill, only a 10-minute walk from down town Dunedin. Access to the track was available via a paved road that wound its way through residential neighborhoods located hillside. The course ended in the local high schools soccer field. The high school was gracious enough to extend their arm to the event and allow riders use of their washrooms and hoses that were much needed come race day.

The course itself was a complete opposite of the two previous stages. The two prior races, Coronet and Treble cone, were both alpine tracks with no trees. Coronet was wide open with jumps and berms where as treble cone was just wide open, both having little to no technical sections. Dunedin had a little bit of everything.

The top of the course had a few wide-open berms through a field into a next to impossible 12ft step-down. Another berm and a jump and you found your self in the woods with a long but fairly flat 2-part rock section. To many riders this was there favorite section of the track. The technical rock section featured many different lines for riders to choose from none of them being too risky due to the lack of slope. The 2 rock sections were split up by flat road that you had to pedal your ass off in order to clear a death double, luckily the huck spat you back into the woods and rocks. After another bout in the rocks you were shot out into a steep open field featuring a few high speed doubles, a ski jump, a sweet 30ft step up and a hipped road gap that claimed bones all weekend. Next up was a flowy single-track section through some dense and lush, almost tropical woods. The course ended with a steep technical rocky-rooty section that opened up into the soccer field and finish line.


The last chute

Race Day:

With a dialed day of practice behind us the team was eager to tear apart the track on our race runs. Our unfortunate luck of the previous races was over. We had jammed in as many practice laps as possible the day before even sneaking back up onto the hill at night to practice the jump section. We all knew the every corner, jump and sneaky line on the course. The New Zealand locals were going to finally feel the wrath of NZ-Diaries un-touchable bike skills. Every angle was covered, except for one.

An hour before our seeding runs it started with a slight dribble. “Its okay”, I said, being all too confident in my words, “ its just going to spit down a bit and make the track nice and tacky”. Never before have I eaten my words so bad. It was pouring 10 minutes later and the team was forced into the confines of the Subaru (twin turbo). Racers all around us quickly started tossing on their spikes for they knew all to well what the course was going to turn into. For the three previous years the national race at Dunedin had been done in the rain. Any local knew that to come to Dunedin without spikes was about as smart as moving to new Zealand and investing all your money into a Subaru (twin turbo) instead of the van in which you could fit all your belongings into.

In pouring rain we stood at the top of Signal Hill waiting our turn for seeding. It didn’t take us long once arriving at the top for Sam, Seb, Si and myself to notice that we were the only riders smart enough to not have spikes on. One by one we were given are countdowns and shot down the track. I was the last rider of our pack to start.


Not an uncommon sight

The first 100 ft of my run I was getting more grip than I had expected but the next few corners and this initial thought was crushed .I came into the corner before the impossible step-down and had as much traction as a greased up fat boy gleefully sliding across an ice rink. The days before course consisting of hard packed with a layer of dust on top had turned to a slick clay with a thin layer of grease on top reducing the best of riders into amateurs. My run that followed had my feet off the pedals the whole way down the course. I took chicken runs through the rock garden, and crashed into half the trees on the course. I was feeling very defeated as I slid around in the mud like trying go get back to my bike. A local girl trackside shouted, “Adam get back on your bike, p.s. you’re the best”. Her attempt at positive re-enforcement was all I needed. I immediately tore off my shirt and kneepads, tossed my goggles to a female spectator screaming my name, hit a double back bicep pose and shot down the course. I flew over every obstacle on the track turning the slick course into my play toy. I blazed across the finish line coming to skidding stop in front of the time clock, awaiting my UCI point winning time. After the announcers idiotic Canadian comments my time finally flashed up. An 8:14. Four minutes behind the leader!

As it turns out my record number of crashes had put me into a shock induced delirious state. The teen adolescents screaming my name was in fact a much faster racer’s much fatter father, a small boy even accosted me for hitting him with my goggles. My dreams were crushed as were everyone else’s. Sam had gotten a flat just before the rock garden. He decided to sit out the rest of his run and stand trackside at the rock garden. Quietly laughing to himself every time a rider impaled himself on the sharp N-Z rocks. Seb was actually having a fast run right until the technical section before the finish line. As it turns out he was blazing down the section when he thought he saw his long lost love trackside (she will remain nameless but is known to sport toilet bowl scheme apparel) he lunged out to embrace her only to embrace his back around a tree at 40km. I later overheard spectators talking about a racer wearing a black cowboy shirt (Seb) who “crashed so hard it could have paralyzed a cow”. Our choice of tires was definitely showing in our seeding times.

So now the decision at hand was should we man up and crush everyone in our race run even with our nearly slick tires, forever burning team NZ-Diaries into there memories? Fuck that. With the bikes barely hanging onto our bike rack, the Subaru’s twin Turbo’s howled out of the car park before lunchtime. They may have been kings of track that day but we were forever kings of the open road.

Notes: the Pro men category was won by Frenchie Fabien Pendemaud. Female category was won by Scarlet Hagen. Most importantly Seb’s seeding run time beat Adams by 2 minutes therefore silencing the doubts.

Posted by Adam

Heres Pro rider and fast guy Sam Blenkinsopp with a trick I like to call the "Monkey Whip" as Buddy Holly once said "If you aint got it, dont bother". Sam demonstrated his complete lack of style and elan again later when news filtered through that he intentionally put in a slow race run to make sure he didn't win the champs and therefore could continue to wear his sponsors rubbish jersey.






Photo stolen from a website

This guy is one selfish muthafucker. When he decided to stop halfway through the trails and do a spot of breakdancing it was kinda funny, but then we looked closer and noticed that his outfit is the straw that breaks the camels back. i mean, come on, this selfish custard tart has more colour in his outfit than is decent. Theres unfortunate souls in Nuneaton who have to make do with drab and dour outfits because this douch bag stole all the colour in the techno rainbow.

The Remarkables. Not much to do with riding but it looks nice

Even before the dust had settled on the course at Treble Cone riders had begun making their way to Coronet for round two. The course this time around couldn’t be anymore different than last week despite the hills upon which they are located looking like carbon copies of each other. Instead of fire-roads the course was a long downhill motocross style course. It was twisty, jumpy, bermed fun from top to bottom. It was fast and pedaling wasn’t required because all you had to do to gain speed after corners was to take the brakes off and you were flying.

Due to Coronet opening to the public week previous and many riders taking advantage of this to get the course dialed the course had seen a lot of use by the time the race weekend came around. This meant what was a buttery smooth course became riddled with a lot of breaking bumps, which actually made it a more technical course because line selection, being able to keep the flow, and physical strength became essential towards putting down a good run.

Also what looked like a relatively one line course before the weekend actually became quite open to line choices. The choice was often ‘do I stay on the outside and use the berm? The berm that is becoming very potholed. Or do I hang it out on the inside line where it is smoother but looser?’ Likewise there were a number of very clever and ingenius lines that were cropping up. One of which I’ll come back to later.

A bit of moisture on the track in the early mornings meant the dirt was beautiful tacky yet firm Hero Dirt. You know the conditions I’m talking about, it’s the kind of dirt that after a good days on the trails makes you feel like a god. You feel like you can turn better than a Scalectrix car, you feel faster than the Millennium falcon in hyperdrive, you can drift better than an inch of snow in Nuneaton, you rail corners with military precision, and your confidence levels are higher than a gambler on coke who thinks he has a sure thing. Well if you have ever had a day like that then the chances are that it’s because of conditions and not because you are actually a better biker than the day before. Sorry, but its true. How many times have you had those kind of killer days in a foot of mud for example?

As for the Who-What-Where, Adam finished dead last in the Senior category, Sam once again proved that no matter how well he goes in practice he can never put together a fast race run (40th in Senior), Brit Paul Stevens placed 14th in Senior, Ginger Si disappointingly crashed out in his race run despite riding fats all weekend, and even though I finished 21st I still managed to get a gasp from the crowd as I slipped both pedals across the line.

Junior rider Sketchy James Shirley managed to get himself a new nickname after finding and riding the most controversial line in NZ Nationals history. Knowing that the fastest way between two points is a straight one, Jimmy Straightline (as he now to be called) took a beeline through about a hundred yards of tussock which cut out about three corners and 200 yards of track. The little bastard would of got away with it had he saved this line for his race but was caught out in his seeding run and had his bottom spanked by officials.

The weather had been great all day, that is until the Pro riders had to come down which forced a lot of frantic action in the pits by the pros trying to change to wet weather spiked tires. The silent but deadly Scottish ripper Joe Barnes wasn’t phased by a little rain and was positively grinning at the prospect of riding in the wet. He came down in 16th place, on High Rollers!. Meanwhile other bigger name pros were made to look like absolute amateurs in the newly wet conditions. Standing at the bottom one could be mistaken for thinking a bunch of seal lions had been let loose on unicycles. However, the fastest pro man was Glenn Haden who looked as fast in the wet as he did in the dry. Seven seconds later second place went to Des Curry and in third was Mike Skinner.

apologies for the lack of photos and badly written report. no excuses.

Posted by SEB

This picture sums up exactly why the future of mountain biking needs to be looked at carefully. Seriously, do you want your beloved sport being taking over by Timothy from the country club bringing his spoilt little yachting heritage to the trails or by dumb little kids that are so influenced by what they see the Riffleator doing in Decline and by there chronic lack of social awareness. Not sure which one this little monkey is but I don’t like it.

Apologies for the lack of updates to the 25 people who check out the site regularly. nzdiaries.com is suffering a bit of a crisis of confidence and identity. Partly this is down to having no internet connection and partly because it seems futile to bother riding into town on our high horses to find an internet connection when we have a readership that is smaller than an ants testicle and we could be riding rather than shaking the digital salt shaker. So just in case there is anyone out there bothered, here is the news.

The first round of the NZ national series kicked off in our hometown at Treble Cone. The course was reminiscent of the days of old when biking down hills on old reclaimed cruisers was considered a new thing to do. If you think mountain biking should regress to the days of klunkerz and joe breeze then you would of loved it.


the course

Sam and myself had to hide our hate at the TC course because we are still trying to make friends here on the race circuit and NZ riders seem to be of a rather different opinion to us about what constitutes a challenging course. As a peaceful protest we both did slow race runs just to deprive the kiwis of our presence on the podium and the opportunity to thank no one whilst up there.


Not Adam

Despite looking like he was going to self-destruct at any moment on training day Adam thrived on the course come race day. He finished exactly half way up the results board.

Ginger Si was spotted riding a borrowed bike all weekend and eating lots of orange coloured foods. He posted a good time that gave him the fastest UK rider in senior. Expect more prop driven comedy from Carrot Top at Coronet.

The newest member of the nzdiaries.com/Hades Havarti Bicycle Gang household, Matt Weir, took a considerable tumble in his seeding run and broke his Talas bone into 16 pieces. This hammer blow could put him out of action for 18 months but we will see if that is the case now he is staying with us in our intense R&R facility. Get well soon buddy.


That bit in the middle should be one piece not lots of specks of dust

I have retired from any form of biking after my terrible result at TC. Unable to shake the two wheel buzz I have taken up extreme Segway riding. I also finally tried so hard to put my head up my arse that I actually managed to do a back flip. Whether or not this was on the Segway I’ll let you decide.


Segways arent just for fat yanks

The pro men was won by Sam Blenkinsop who would of shaved his legs before the race to be more aerodynamic but couldn’t do so because he still hasn’t reached puberty. Second place went to Fabien le Frenchman, the hitchhiking Commencal Rider who almost upset the Kiwis by “tacking ohm ze whin”. Glenn Haden got third despite riding a bike that looks like a race version of Josh Benders two shock bike. Fourth went to Nathan Rankin. The fifth place on the podium went to fast Brit Alex Scott. The manufacturers title goes to Foes whose bikes are ridden by approximately 96.2% of the riders. For full results go elsewhere.


The Pro podium

Round two at Coronet this weekend. Course is a fun one. It’s sort of like an alpine A-line. It’s going to be a close race. Tune in next month for our next update.